Grief is the natural human response to loss, whether it is death, a divorce, job loss, a miscarriage or any other change that takes away something you valued. It affects every aspect of life, including emotions and thoughts, behaviours, beliefs, physical health and sense of self and identity.
There is no “normal” time to grieve and everyone’s experience is different. The amount of grief you feel will be affected by your personality, age, culture and support network as well as the nature of the loss. You may go through phases of intense grief that last a few hours or days, followed by periods when you feel less pain. This happens because your body needs to process the loss, and it is a normal part of the healing process.
If a loss is unexpected, it can be even more painful because you don’t have the chance to prepare for it. This can also create a feeling of denial or shock. Predictable losses, such as those due to terminal illness, often allow you some time to prepare for the loss and can cause two layers of grief – the anticipation of the loss and the actual loss itself.
The five stages of grief, popularized by Psychologist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The earliest stage is usually denial, which means you can’t believe or accept the loss has occurred. During this stage you may avoid talking about it, act like nothing has happened or become angry at others.
After denial comes anger, which is a typical reaction to being told the loss can’t be changed or that you must move on. This is a difficult phase to navigate because it can lead to confrontations or arguments. During this stage you may try to bargain with God or the universe, pleading for a different outcome.
If your attempts to bargain fail, you may enter the depression stage, which is characterized by sadness and feelings of helplessness. You might have trouble sleeping or eat and your body can feel achy and weak. You might also withdraw from friends and family or become irritable. It is important to reach out for support at this time.
You may be able to find comfort in your faith, community or spirituality during this time. It is also helpful to keep in touch with friends and family, join a support group and do activities that bring you joy. You might even want to consider trying creative expressions, like writing, art or music. It is important to take good care of yourself during this time, and to eat well, get enough sleep and exercise regularly. Talking to your primary health care provider or a counselor can be helpful.
